The Ghost Inside of Me

DAY ONE
I will never forget this moment. The feel of the cold porcelain against my skin, the pounding of my heart in my chest as I watch the timer on my phone countdown.
Two minutes, fifteen seconds left. Shit.
Lauraine is standing in the doorway, holding that cursed stick in her hand. I start to feel woozy again, the room start spinning. I drop my head into my hands, taking deep breaths like she had told me to. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Eyes closed to try to block out the sight of the world.
"Emma."
I lift my head up, look at Lauraine. She didn't have to say anything. The look on her face said it all.
No. Not now. I can't stop it. She turns blurry as my eyes start to fill. Then my stomach turns. I barely get off the toilet in time to get sick, and Lauraine is right there, comforting me as I empty my stomach.
"It's okay. It's all right. You'll be fine, Em."
I sit up, the shock of the moment being shoved out of my mind as I realize what she's saying.
"The fuck I will! I'm pregnant, Lauraine! Fucking PREGNANT!" There's a small voice in the back of my head telling me that I need to control the volume in my voice, but I can't hear it over the blood pounding in my ears. "I'm in the middle of a custody battle for my first child, and now this! This one's dad just moved two thousand miles away, after one night together, and I'm not even positive he means half the shit he's telling me! This is the last kind of situation that constitutes as fine."
I stop, breathing heavily as I wipe the tears off my face. I look at Lauraine. She's still standing there, holding the test in her hand. I reach out my hand, and she hands it to me.
Yep. Fucking digital test even says it right there: PREGNANT.
I don't know why, but I can't help but laugh. My best friend looks at me like I'm crazy. Maybe I am, but I couldn't care less at this point. I look at her, giggling.
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. Don't tell your father. Prepare to lie."
Lauraine bursts out laughing. When she stops, she looks at me, and the laughter has definitely improved her countenance.
"God. Only you would come up with some kind of crazy crap like that at a moment like this, Emma. Only you."
"I know. But that's why you love me, right?"
"Oh, always." She comes over, and wraps her arms around my shoulders as I start to tear up again. "And you really will be fine."
"I know." My tone doesn't match the words coming out of my mouth. "But I'm not telling him just yet."
"Yeah, first figure out how far along you are," (her tone is now dripping with sarcasm), "before you tell all the prospective daddies you're knocked up."
I cringe. Lauraine doesn't know how close to home she hit. She sees me do it.
"What?"
I look at her, not believing that she doesn't remember. "Christmas Eve."
Realization dawns, and Lauraine now looks mortified. "Shit, Em, I totally spaced on that."
I shrug, trying to let her off the hook easily. "It's still a baby, Raine, no matter who the father is."
A few moments pass, and then Lauraine stands up.
"Well, let's get you an appointment."
I stare at her.
"Ultrasound, dork. You gotta know how far along you are!"
"Oh. Yeah. Well, let's do it."

DAY FOUR



I always hated those stirrups. And the special "wand" that was always waiting at the ready, right beside the goop the tech always squirted on my belly. Ugh. I do not want to be here right now. If it hadn't been for Lauraine calling me and asking if I was going, I would've skipped out and just went to Planned Parenthood. But I could never bring myself to kill something so innocent.
There was a picture up above the bed I was laying on, one of a tropical view. There was a flower, and in the background a beach with a wave that was just breaking on it.
And the only reason I remember these tiny details is because I was actually wishing I could be on that beach, with him, instead of in that thin hospital gown with my underwear laying in the pile of my clothes. You know, easy access in case the tech had to do a vaginal ultrasound.

Ugh.

It's these little things that keep coming back to me. Driving down the road, blaring my music as my little one sleeps in the back seat. The snow is coming down pretty fast, and my cell phone has no reception. I keep trying to block out the memories.

**
"Are you on any kind of birth control?"
I started as the tech asked the question, not really expecting her to say anything to me. I looked at her.
"Sorry, what?"
"Birth control. Are you on any?"
"Umm, yeah. I have an IUD."
"And when was the last time you had intercourse?"
I did the quick math in my head.
"The third."
The tech just nods, and grabs one of the wands. She squirts the goo on my stomach, way down by my pelvic area. I know that as early as I am, my uterus won't have had time to grow that much.
"All right, let's try to get a look at that fetus."
And ten minutes later, she still had a frown on her face. I hesitated a suggestion.
"With my last pregnancy, the tech had to do a vaginal ultrasound to see the fetus because it was so early, and that was just five weeks along."
The tech nodded, then grabbed the wand. Another twenty minutes passed, and still nothing. Then she looked at me.
"You said you have an IUD?"
"Yes. I've had one since June, two years ago."
"Hmm. I'm going to be right back. Will you be okay by yourself?"
I nodded as she left me alone in the room. My hands went down to the bottom of my belly, and started pressing into the soft flesh.
Yep, there was the hardening of the uterus. Still pretty low in my pelvis, but at least that meant I was pregnant. I lay there for a while, just waiting for the tech to come back, pushing down on my pelvis, trying to find the top of my uterus.
When the door opened, she walked in, quickly followed by a young man. I assumed he was in his thirties, but he still looked pretty young. He looked me in the eyes.
"Emma?"
I nodded, and my stomach started clenching. That small voice in the back of my head started getting shriller. Something wasn't right. He extended his hand.
"I'm Dr. Farnham. How are you doing today?"
I gestured to my stomach, giving him a bit of a blank look. I knew my words would come out layered with sarcasm.
"Absolutely fantastic. Is there a specific reason you're here?"
Dr. Farnham hesitated just enough to confirm my suspicions.
"It seems that Maddie can't locate an embryo in your uterus."
I nod, trying to stay cool and collected even though my heart is already beating a million miles an hour.
"She says that you have an IUD."
I nod again.
"All right. So I'm just going to take a look, see if she missed anything."
Yeah, like checking my Fallopian tubes for an implanted embryo. I knew the risks that came with having an IUD. Hell, I'd already had one miscarriage right after leaving Adrianna's dad. I knew what could happen.
Dr. Farnham picked up the wand, and I did the best I could to keep the grimace off my face. I stared up, focusing again on the picture of the tropical beach, imagining I was there with Jamieson. Maddie asked if I wanted to hold her hand, and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes at the offer. I nodded, and took her hand.
I remember Dr. Farnham telling me to relax, and then I blocked out everything but the feel of Maddie's hands enveloping mine. My eyes were closed, so if I did start crying they couldn't see it. I started counting in my head.
One.
Two. 
Three.
My hand was in between Maddie's, and she was stroking the back of my palm.
Four. 
It hurt. I could've sworn he was trying to get past my cervix at this point. My hand tightened in Maddie's.
Five.
Six.
Jamieson should've been there to hold my hand, not this stranger.
Stop it, Emma. It's not his fault he's not here.
You shut up. I need something to focus on, and happy thoughts aren't keeping out this pain.
But you're not being fair to him. And you know it.
So? Why the hell should that matter. It's not like he's been texting or calling me as much as he used to. I'm just a waning interest. He's probably surrounded by girls down there.
God, you're so fickle! He told you he loves YOU. 
Yeah, right after he got down there.
"Ah, there it is."
Dr. Farnham's voice snapped me back into reality. I looked at the ultrasound screen, and there was indeed a small circle.
"Where did you find it?"
But he was doing some measurements, and didn't answer me for a few minutes. Then he looked me right in the eyes.
"It's an ectopic pregnancy."
I could feel the blood draining from my head. And then the room started spinning. My stomach couldn't handle it. I covered my mouth, just in time to catch the vomit before it ejected. Maddie moved faster than I could give her credit for, and then there was a small garbage can under my head.
They patiently waited for me to finish. And once I could breathe again, I started crying. Maddie put her hand on my back. I looked at Farnham, trying to make out his shape through the tears.
"How far along?"
"Could be two or three weeks. It's only a guess, because of the inaccuracy of the signal. Especially when we're trying to see inside the fallopian tubes."
Two to three weeks. Well, it could be Jamieson's, or it could be...no. It's Jamieson's baby. Oh God. It's JAMIESON. What the hell am I going to do?

***

I was sitting in the drive thru of Taco Bell, and Cake came on.
To me, coming from you.
I couldn't resist. I grabbed my phone, and texted the lyrics to Jamieson.
Friend is a four letter word. 
I ordered my food. Adrianna was in the back seat, repeatedly saying, "Food. Food. Mama, food."
"Yeah, baby, we're going to get food."
I looked over my shoulder at her, watching her face scrunch as she started yawning. It was too darn precious. A smile broke across my face as she looked at me and said, "Mama."
"Hi, baby."
"Mama." She pointed out the window as my notification ringtone went off. "Phone!"
"Yeah, baby, that's Mama's phone."
N is the only part of the word that I heard.
A smile came to my face as I started humming along to the song going through my head.
Call me morbid or absurd
The reply came through as soon as I pressed Send.
God, Emma. You're amazing.
Why? Because I quote Cake as I'm listening to their music?
That, among other reasons.
lol
I got my food from the guy leaning way down to my little toy car. I pulled out of the drive thru, got Adrianna her food and dug in. As I finished up, I picked up my phone again.
How in the world am I supposed to do this? I have to get home, but I have to talk to him about it. Shit.
Adrianna was still stuffing her face. I decided to wait.

Twenty minutes later, I pulled into a gas station to text him.
I have to talk to you about something.
I got back on the road, continued driving. Minutes passed. And then my phone started ringing. Jamieson's picture showed on my screen, and I knew I couldn't drive and talk to him about this. I pulled over.
"Hey, hon."
"Hey, Emma. What's going on?" The question was light, easy. I don't know why my stomach had to get into knots right then.
"Well...okay. So last week I took a pregnancy test."
"Okay."
"And it came out positive."
There was silence. And the knot in my stomach grew tighter.
"Jamie?"
"Oh shit. Emma...oh, shit."
I don't even know how I'm going to tell him the rest.
"Shit, Emma. What...crap....what..."
"That's not the end of it."
More silence.
"It's an ectopic pregnancy."
"What does that mean?"
"The fetus didn't make it to my uterus. It's implanted in my fallopian tubes."
Jamieson started getting hysterical; I could hear it in his voice.
"Oh my god. Ohmygod. OHmygod. Emma!"
I couldn't stop the tears from coming, and I couldn't quiet the sobs that resounded from my chest.
I could hear his ragged breathing on the other end of the phone, and I could only think to start taking deep breaths and hope that he followed my lead.
He did. And then, "What the hell is going to happen?"
I took a breath, then told him.
"It's going to be taken care of."
And then the sobs started again. When they stopped, there was a pause.
"What do you mean, taken care of?"
"I have an appointment for next Tuesday."
Another lie. You already started the abortion today, you liar.
"I can't have this baby, Jamieson."
"Oh my god, Emma. Just...shit. This is really fucking heavy."
"I know. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you. This will make it harder on both of us now."
"No, I'm glad you told me. You shouldn't have to go through this alone, and I wish I could be there with you."
"It's okay. My best friend is going to help me out with everything."
Another pause.
"Em, you know I'd be there for you if I could be."
"I do."
But part of me is glad you aren't.
"Well, Jamie, I've got to keep driving."
"You're driving?"
"Yeah, I've got about a half hour before I get home. I just pulled over so I could talk to you."
"Okay. Well, let me know when you get home. I'm here if you want to talk."
"Thanks, hon."
"I love you, Emma."
My eyes started welling up. Again.
"I love you, too, Jamieson."
We hung up, but I didn't start the car. Adrianna was passed out in the back seat, her head leaning up against the side of her car seat. My stomach started clenching, and I knew it wasn't from the emotions. The pain grew in intensity, and I had to keep biting my tongue to stop from crying out in agony.
It subsided. My hands went to my stomach, and I couldn't help but cradle my belly. I was killing a child.
There was a dying life inside of me, and it was my fault.
No, not dying.
Dead.

DAY TEN


I woke up this morning to my little Adrianna snuggling up to my chest. It seemed like such a simple gesture, that single touch.  She reached for my necklace, whispering, "Pretty."

I just laid there, in the grey light of pre-dawn. Adrianna has been climbing out of her crib for a while now, and has been crawling into my bed with me. For almost a week now. And people say that children don't know when something is going wrong. She looks up at me with those beautiful green eyes, smiles just enough to show me her pearly whites, and then snuggles back into my chest.
"Mama."

I smiled, just enjoying the time I was getting to spend with my little girl. And then she started petting my belly. I could barely breathe, let alone see through the tears that were threatening to spill over onto Adrianna's head. We stayed like that for a while; Adrianna petting my belly, whispering her little words. Pretty. Baby. Mama. It was always alternating, and always those three words. I couldn't tell if it was just her saying things to speak or if she actually had an idea of what was going on.
Then she stopped. And sat straight up. And continued to stare at my belly, wide eyed. Just the look in her eyes was enough to scare me.
"Addy?"
Her name broke her concentration, and she looked me in the eyes. Then pointed to my stomach.
"Mama. Bump." Her hand went down, touching the area right around my belly button. "Bump."
She looked at me, questioning. And the only thing I could think was that even if the uterus hadn't expelled the fetus yet, there was no way Adrianna would have been able to feel a bump. Not mere weeks into the first trimester.

But that was this morning. And I'd been bleeding for the last three days. Now the night had permeated my room, and the darkness surrounded me closer than any lover had before. My hands continue to explore my abdomen, pressing just a little above my pubic bone to see if I could find any indication that my uterus was continuing to expand. There was none.

And yet, the ghost inside of me refuses to let me forget the little one that I had killed.