most girls have them.
they'll go throughout their whole lives,
reliving
reciting
attempting to
fix whatever past we can.
but the days pass by
our beds are still full
and most of us will
cry ourselves to sleep each night
asking the sky
What can I do?
Why won't he love me?
why does it always have to hurt?
or there are those of us
who will scream
FUCK THE WORLD
and
walk with our heads held high
as we use those that would try to hurt us first
so call me crazy
call me fun
call me the perfect fuck buddy
because I can't get emotionally attached
it doesn't matter anymore
I'm stronger than my past
and in the end,
it's the survivor that gets to tell the story
Dec 3, 2011
Oct 9, 2011
pretty lies
tell me lies and falsehoods
black as the night to come
give me one good reason
to scream in fear and run
don't give me words of hope
or something sweet to say
i'd rather you just hit me
then turn and walk away
i want to feel the pain
but only on the surface
i don't want my heart to break
i want to remain callous
tell me you were lying
in that moment of desire
give me death and cold
as i walk right through hellfire
whisper pretty lies
that you know i will believe
cut me off from love
i don't want your reprieve
black as the night to come
give me one good reason
to scream in fear and run
don't give me words of hope
or something sweet to say
i'd rather you just hit me
then turn and walk away
i want to feel the pain
but only on the surface
i don't want my heart to break
i want to remain callous
tell me you were lying
in that moment of desire
give me death and cold
as i walk right through hellfire
whisper pretty lies
that you know i will believe
cut me off from love
i don't want your reprieve
Jul 9, 2011
Dog Tag
I told him
I loved him
He said he loved me back
He called me his Eve
and said
he was my Jay
But he couldn't deal
with that relationship
because I had a child
and he wasn't ready to be a father
just yet
but for a couple months
I continued
to wear his dog tag
then decided
enough was enough
but I still kept the tag
though I wasn't wearing it anymore
a few weeks passed
the tag grew heavier
along with my heart
Then he told me
he was
"On a date"
So I took the tag off the necklace
handed it to a guy I barely knew
and told him
Get rid of this for me. Please.
I don't want to know where you put it
I just don't want it anymore.
He looked at me
puzzled
I told him I might tell him the story someday
but right then it was just too painful.
As he climbed out of my bed the next morning
he told me
he'd thrown it off the Monroe Street Bridge
I've never loved the Spokane River so much
I loved him
He said he loved me back
He called me his Eve
and said
he was my Jay
But he couldn't deal
with that relationship
because I had a child
and he wasn't ready to be a father
just yet
but for a couple months
I continued
to wear his dog tag
then decided
enough was enough
but I still kept the tag
though I wasn't wearing it anymore
a few weeks passed
the tag grew heavier
along with my heart
Then he told me
he was
"On a date"
So I took the tag off the necklace
handed it to a guy I barely knew
and told him
Get rid of this for me. Please.
I don't want to know where you put it
I just don't want it anymore.
He looked at me
puzzled
I told him I might tell him the story someday
but right then it was just too painful.
As he climbed out of my bed the next morning
he told me
he'd thrown it off the Monroe Street Bridge
I've never loved the Spokane River so much
Jul 3, 2011
moments to last forever
There's something to be said
for Captain Morgan
being smuggled
during
ninja tag
and s'mores around a campfire
that Gabe built in seconds
guitar music that sweeps
through the group
that doesn't always need to be talking
because we know we're
just that good
the hugs
the laughs
the level of comfort
doesn't compare
to anything you thought you knew before
we wrestle
with eachother
with ourselves
with our own demons
and we share the experiences
because we know that the others will help carry us
when we can't do it on our own anymore
Joe
Kody
Kenney
Gabe
Lynn
they know the names that I call myself
and they rebuke the demons that are latched on my soul
and though we're obsessed with typical teenage stuff
like...
swimming
and watching movies
and Twister
and flirting
and having fun in the middle of the night
without consuming a drop of alcohol
they can sit back and be serious
and I don't have to worry about what I say becoming
a part of the Northport grape vine
these nights
these days
these moments that last forever
I wouldn't trade them for anything
for Captain Morgan
being smuggled
during
ninja tag
and s'mores around a campfire
that Gabe built in seconds
guitar music that sweeps
through the group
that doesn't always need to be talking
because we know we're
just that good
the hugs
the laughs
the level of comfort
doesn't compare
to anything you thought you knew before
we wrestle
with eachother
with ourselves
with our own demons
and we share the experiences
because we know that the others will help carry us
when we can't do it on our own anymore
Joe
Kody
Kenney
Gabe
Lynn
they know the names that I call myself
and they rebuke the demons that are latched on my soul
and though we're obsessed with typical teenage stuff
like...
swimming
and watching movies
and Twister
and flirting
and having fun in the middle of the night
without consuming a drop of alcohol
they can sit back and be serious
and I don't have to worry about what I say becoming
a part of the Northport grape vine
these nights
these days
these moments that last forever
I wouldn't trade them for anything
Jun 17, 2011
Push
There had always been boys, even when she wasn't sure if they even noticed her. But they were always there, in the background as she walked through her life. There were the boys in jail, the boys that lied about having children, the boys that started sweet but ended up making her feel smaller than she ever had in her whole life. There were the men that had used her and left her. There were the men that tried to fill the void in her life that was left, but never succeeded because she wouldn't let them close enough. There were the men that she was able to kick out of her bed after a night of amazing sex, knowing they had outlived their purposes.
There were twelve men that had shared her bed. Only six weren't one-night stands. Three had called her the "perfect girl" because she wouldn't get emotionally attached, but could hold her own against them. One had started to break through her walls before she saw the dragon that was threatening her existence.
And then there was him.
He'd been there for years, longer than any of the twelve. He'd seen her fall, had even pushed her down at times, but had helped her up when she needed to. He'd broken her heart, but mended it more times than she could count. He'd been her best friend, her confidant, her lover.
But he'd always been a runner. Chasing the future, running in fear from her complications.
She used to laugh at the way he would get so bent out of shape, simply because she was more experienced than he was. She used to tell him that, given time, he would surpass the other twelve. She used to try to tell him that the physical aspect didn't matter, the past men in her life didn't matter.
The only thing that mattered to her was him. The way he made her feel. The way his kisses would send her head spinning. The way his arms would lift her off the counter, holding her against his body. His gentle aggressiveness. Even when they hadn't talked in years, she always felt secure with him. It felt effortless, ideal, whenever they would see each other.
It would be the little things, like watching his face as he slept. Waking him up with a cup of coffee. Feeling his lips on her cheek as he came to bed in the middle of the night. His smile that he would flash at her as he made her eggs for breakfast. To her, it always felt so right, so perfect.
He had always been her best friend. More than anything else, she could always count on his advice, even when they were on separate sides of the universe.
***
She could feel the pain in his voice as it came through the phone. She'd heard it many times before, but this time she wasn't sure what to make of it.
"I still have yet to hear those words come out of your mouth!"
You need me to say them for you to know that I love you? Her fingers dug into the phone, her brain had slowed to a crawl. Where did this come from?
"I gotta go. I need sleep, and you need to think."
As those words left his mouth, they hit her solar plexus, taking all the breath from her body and leaving her feeling lightheaded.
She had started calling him by his full name, something she only did with him when she was angry or hurt. He didn't seem to notice.
"I love you."
That tone sure doesn't say that.
"I love you, too, Jay."
She hung up the phone, and sat beside her garden.
We're three hundred miles apart, he's still dealing with me being a mom,we're not even dating and he doesn't trust me. What kind of fucked up relationship is this?
In the back of her head, she could hear music playing.
"This is exactly what happened last time and it’s not what we deserve
It’s a, it’s a waste of my time lately.
And I’m running out of words.
If it’s really meant to be than you can find a way to see,
Maybe you should just shut up
Even when it gets tough
Baby ‘cause this is love.
And you know when push comes to shove
It’s gonna take the both of us
Baby, this is love"
She looked down at the now-silent phone in her hand.
"Can you handle it when things get tough, or are you just going to push me down, Jay? Because this would be so much easier if we just stuck through it."
There were twelve men that had shared her bed. Only six weren't one-night stands. Three had called her the "perfect girl" because she wouldn't get emotionally attached, but could hold her own against them. One had started to break through her walls before she saw the dragon that was threatening her existence.
And then there was him.
He'd been there for years, longer than any of the twelve. He'd seen her fall, had even pushed her down at times, but had helped her up when she needed to. He'd broken her heart, but mended it more times than she could count. He'd been her best friend, her confidant, her lover.
But he'd always been a runner. Chasing the future, running in fear from her complications.
She used to laugh at the way he would get so bent out of shape, simply because she was more experienced than he was. She used to tell him that, given time, he would surpass the other twelve. She used to try to tell him that the physical aspect didn't matter, the past men in her life didn't matter.
The only thing that mattered to her was him. The way he made her feel. The way his kisses would send her head spinning. The way his arms would lift her off the counter, holding her against his body. His gentle aggressiveness. Even when they hadn't talked in years, she always felt secure with him. It felt effortless, ideal, whenever they would see each other.
It would be the little things, like watching his face as he slept. Waking him up with a cup of coffee. Feeling his lips on her cheek as he came to bed in the middle of the night. His smile that he would flash at her as he made her eggs for breakfast. To her, it always felt so right, so perfect.
He had always been her best friend. More than anything else, she could always count on his advice, even when they were on separate sides of the universe.
***
She could feel the pain in his voice as it came through the phone. She'd heard it many times before, but this time she wasn't sure what to make of it.
"I still have yet to hear those words come out of your mouth!"
You need me to say them for you to know that I love you? Her fingers dug into the phone, her brain had slowed to a crawl. Where did this come from?
"I gotta go. I need sleep, and you need to think."
As those words left his mouth, they hit her solar plexus, taking all the breath from her body and leaving her feeling lightheaded.
She had started calling him by his full name, something she only did with him when she was angry or hurt. He didn't seem to notice.
"I love you."
That tone sure doesn't say that.
"I love you, too, Jay."
She hung up the phone, and sat beside her garden.
We're three hundred miles apart, he's still dealing with me being a mom,we're not even dating and he doesn't trust me. What kind of fucked up relationship is this?
In the back of her head, she could hear music playing.
"This is exactly what happened last time and it’s not what we deserve
It’s a, it’s a waste of my time lately.
And I’m running out of words.
If it’s really meant to be than you can find a way to see,
Maybe you should just shut up
Even when it gets tough
Baby ‘cause this is love.
And you know when push comes to shove
It’s gonna take the both of us
Baby, this is love"
She looked down at the now-silent phone in her hand.
"Can you handle it when things get tough, or are you just going to push me down, Jay? Because this would be so much easier if we just stuck through it."
Jun 3, 2011
the struggle
long steely fingers
that delve
and manipulate
confusing
a healthy mind
playing
off the weakness
found inside
a tainted
soul
that longs for
forgiveness
she looks in the mirror
and can't see
past her own mistakes
from yesterday
she sees
the whore
the liar
the jezebel
and she knows
they'll never leave
her demons
attached
at the seams
of her very soul
she wants
to beg forgiveness
to be cleansed
as pure as driven snow
but how can she?
her own flesh
demands to be fulfilled
and so
weakling that she is
she gives in
sacrificing
to keep her demons
content
knowing she's only hurting
herself
she struggles
every moment
to overthrow the monsters
wanting to externalize
the internal turmoil
she's looking for help
can't you see that?
she's begging forgiveness
knowing she's unworthy
but hoping
all the same
for that grace
she's dying
in this struggle
for her soul
Help her
Help ME
DEAR GOD,
PLEASE.
that delve
and manipulate
confusing
a healthy mind
playing
off the weakness
found inside
a tainted
soul
that longs for
forgiveness
she looks in the mirror
and can't see
past her own mistakes
from yesterday
she sees
the whore
the liar
the jezebel
and she knows
they'll never leave
her demons
attached
at the seams
of her very soul
she wants
to beg forgiveness
to be cleansed
as pure as driven snow
but how can she?
her own flesh
demands to be fulfilled
and so
weakling that she is
she gives in
sacrificing
to keep her demons
content
knowing she's only hurting
herself
she struggles
every moment
to overthrow the monsters
wanting to externalize
the internal turmoil
she's looking for help
can't you see that?
she's begging forgiveness
knowing she's unworthy
but hoping
all the same
for that grace
she's dying
in this struggle
for her soul
Help her
Help ME
DEAR GOD,
PLEASE.
sacrificial life
faith
family
integrity
i have sacrificed
all that
i was
for what i thought
would last
a family
false as pyrite
not worth the mica
but among
those plastic beads
a tiny
grain of sand
a pearl
in the making
but for that pearl
i gave up
EVERYTHING
how
can i teach my daughter
to be like
tempered steel
when i folded
and lost?
the girl i was
three years ago
would
kick my ass
for who
i
have become
today
family
integrity
i have sacrificed
all that
i was
for what i thought
would last
a family
false as pyrite
not worth the mica
but among
those plastic beads
a tiny
grain of sand
a pearl
in the making
but for that pearl
i gave up
EVERYTHING
how
can i teach my daughter
to be like
tempered steel
when i folded
and lost?
the girl i was
three years ago
would
kick my ass
for who
i
have become
today
Pinball
He arrives.
It's Sunday morning
or early afternoon.
And she
is packed up
and shuffled
like a pinball
and for six days
I'm broken
incomplete
because my heart
is gone
it's like
Open Heart Surgery
without the anesthetic
Only it's worse.
It's Sunday morning
or early afternoon.
And she
is packed up
and shuffled
like a pinball
and for six days
I'm broken
incomplete
because my heart
is gone
it's like
Open Heart Surgery
without the anesthetic
Only it's worse.
repeat, replay
i promised
myself
this wouldn't happen again
these delusions
and dreams
have already broken my heart
twice
but he still
has this hold on my heart
and i don't think
he knows it.
or perhaps he does
and continues
to play me
for the fool that i am.
and he'd be right
about me
and what i do to myself
i give
everything
completely
i'm used
abused
and left
because he doesn't want
things to change
i'm the best friend
that will always be there
pussy in a glass case
WHY
do i do this to myself??
myself
this wouldn't happen again
these delusions
and dreams
have already broken my heart
twice
but he still
has this hold on my heart
and i don't think
he knows it.
or perhaps he does
and continues
to play me
for the fool that i am.
and he'd be right
about me
and what i do to myself
i give
everything
completely
i'm used
abused
and left
because he doesn't want
things to change
i'm the best friend
that will always be there
pussy in a glass case
WHY
do i do this to myself??
life
the confusion
stress
beauty
and unforgetfulness of a life
still not complete
you say you're content
and happy
but really?
how do you know that
without a
shadow of a doubt?
me?
i used to feel
guilty
because i wanted more
than what i had
now
just call me what you think
i am
selfish
ambiguous
hypocritical
because I'm done
walking on eggshells
for fear that I might
disturb the universe
stress
beauty
and unforgetfulness of a life
still not complete
you say you're content
and happy
but really?
how do you know that
without a
shadow of a doubt?
me?
i used to feel
guilty
because i wanted more
than what i had
now
just call me what you think
i am
selfish
ambiguous
hypocritical
because I'm done
walking on eggshells
for fear that I might
disturb the universe
evolution of a wordsmith
stories scare me
and it's quite simple
why.
too long
drawn-out
and changes that never stop
one's reached its climax
but still not finished
i've changed
with my characters
now they're too
naive
simple
boring
so i go back
revise
add
subtract
learn
change
and the process starts
again
poetry
is simpler:
thoughts
taken from the air
and pieced together
in no particular pattern
but it still
somehow
makes sense to a
complex personality
so i stick
to jotting down thoughts
for now at least
until
a character's growth
will no longer need revising
and it's quite simple
why.
too long
drawn-out
and changes that never stop
one's reached its climax
but still not finished
i've changed
with my characters
now they're too
naive
simple
boring
so i go back
revise
add
subtract
learn
change
and the process starts
again
poetry
is simpler:
thoughts
taken from the air
and pieced together
in no particular pattern
but it still
somehow
makes sense to a
complex personality
so i stick
to jotting down thoughts
for now at least
until
a character's growth
will no longer need revising
random Purpose
I love what she called it
Random art
like there is no purpose
only
the whimsical pleasure
of an art student
but I disagree
I say
there is a purpose
for
random
art
acts of service
accidents
everything
that we don't expect
the only thing
we need to do
is find
what it means
to ME.
Random art
like there is no purpose
only
the whimsical pleasure
of an art student
but I disagree
I say
there is a purpose
for
random
art
acts of service
accidents
everything
that we don't expect
the only thing
we need to do
is find
what it means
to ME.
reminiscent
can you feel
the wind
caressing my skin?
or the sun
warming my hair?
are you here yet
in this world where
i feel as isolated
as that
lone wolf in the forest
it's hard to breathe.
but whether it's
the constriction
or
the emotion
i can't really tell.
it's been so long
since i've seen your face
but it barely feels like
it was only yesterday
some might say that
music
and
poetry
are nothing more than a medium
to the other planes of life
i'm not sure anymore.
i just know
with maybe
a bit of doubt
that you've forgiven me
and though
i'm not quite sure why
i'll try to trust
your judgement
the wind
caressing my skin?
or the sun
warming my hair?
are you here yet
in this world where
i feel as isolated
as that
lone wolf in the forest
it's hard to breathe.
but whether it's
the constriction
or
the emotion
i can't really tell.
it's been so long
since i've seen your face
but it barely feels like
it was only yesterday
some might say that
music
and
poetry
are nothing more than a medium
to the other planes of life
i'm not sure anymore.
i just know
with maybe
a bit of doubt
that you've forgiven me
and though
i'm not quite sure why
i'll try to trust
your judgement
May 20, 2011
beautiful toxicity
I can't deal with this.
how could I not
have known?
she's strong
amazing
incredible
it almost seemed
impervious
but no one
can grow completely
in that kind of
toxic environment
am I really that blind?
how could I not have known?
it takes more
than one weekend
to break a lifetime's cycle
how could I not
have known?
she's strong
amazing
incredible
it almost seemed
impervious
but no one
can grow completely
in that kind of
toxic environment
am I really that blind?
how could I not have known?
it takes more
than one weekend
to break a lifetime's cycle
the last time
the last time
you were with me
holding my hand
as the doctors figured things out.
you didn't like taht hospital
it held some
bad memories for you
I felt bad that day
knowing I'd
probably
ruined our day together.
but now
as I lie
fevered
with those same symptoms
but no vomit
(yet)
heart beating fast
from the elevated sugars
the only thing I can see
is your face
concerned
as you held my hand
kissed it
enveloping me in your love
even though
we hadn't realized it
just then
I miss you now
is that selfish?
I'm sitting alone
in this hospital room
and the only thing
I can think of
is you.
Why is that?
you were with me
holding my hand
as the doctors figured things out.
you didn't like taht hospital
it held some
bad memories for you
I felt bad that day
knowing I'd
probably
ruined our day together.
but now
as I lie
fevered
with those same symptoms
but no vomit
(yet)
heart beating fast
from the elevated sugars
the only thing I can see
is your face
concerned
as you held my hand
kissed it
enveloping me in your love
even though
we hadn't realized it
just then
I miss you now
is that selfish?
I'm sitting alone
in this hospital room
and the only thing
I can think of
is you.
Why is that?
Rebellion of the Mind
Do I dare disturb
the Universe?
the Contemptious dare to ask
I seit
unwilling to answer
for pain will surely last
Do I dare disturb
the Universe
with my questions
of how? and why?
of when? or who?
or what became
of that one unuttered sigh?
"the economist as savior"
these lies that we are told
those simple truths
of quite false nature
are what have made us bold.
do i dare disturb
the Universe?
yes, i think i do.
for just this once
this thought process
is what might pull us through
the Universe?
the Contemptious dare to ask
I seit
unwilling to answer
for pain will surely last
Do I dare disturb
the Universe
with my questions
of how? and why?
of when? or who?
or what became
of that one unuttered sigh?
"the economist as savior"
these lies that we are told
those simple truths
of quite false nature
are what have made us bold.
do i dare disturb
the Universe?
yes, i think i do.
for just this once
this thought process
is what might pull us through
smoke screen
It's a simple
complicated mess of things
your throat
refusing that toxin
but your mind
craving
the euphoria
that comes.
so you pinch
your nose
hold your breath
keep that drag inside
for as long as possible
allowing
willing
hoping
for that dizzying effect
it'll make you
just a little happier
a little more flirty
the life of the party
complicated mess of things
your throat
refusing that toxin
but your mind
craving
the euphoria
that comes.
so you pinch
your nose
hold your breath
keep that drag inside
for as long as possible
allowing
willing
hoping
for that dizzying effect
it'll make you
just a little happier
a little more flirty
the life of the party
life
It's never as easy
as anyone wants
it to be.
No.
It never is.
It's rough
and jagged
and bitter
It hurts
heals
scars.
And then we're left
with these marks on our bodies
and stories we'd rather not tell.
as anyone wants
it to be.
No.
It never is.
It's rough
and jagged
and bitter
It hurts
heals
scars.
And then we're left
with these marks on our bodies
and stories we'd rather not tell.
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