Push

There had always been boys, even when she wasn't sure if they even noticed her. But they were always there, in the background as she walked through her life. There were the boys in jail, the boys that lied about having children, the boys that started sweet but ended up making her feel smaller than she ever had in her whole life. There were the men that had used her and left her. There were the men that tried to fill the void in her life that was left, but never succeeded because she wouldn't let them close enough. There were the men that she was able to kick out of her bed after a night of amazing sex, knowing they had outlived their purposes.

There were twelve men that had shared her bed. Only six weren't one-night stands. Three had called her the "perfect girl" because she wouldn't get emotionally attached, but could hold her own against them. One had started to break through her walls before she saw the dragon that was threatening her existence.

And then there was him.

He'd been there for years, longer than any of the twelve. He'd seen her fall, had even pushed her down at times, but had helped her up when she needed to. He'd broken her heart, but mended it more times than she could count. He'd been her best friend, her confidant, her lover.

But he'd always been a runner. Chasing the future, running in fear from her complications.

She used to laugh at the way he would get so bent out of shape, simply because she was more experienced than he was. She used to tell him that, given time, he would surpass the other twelve. She used to try to tell him that the physical aspect didn't matter, the past men in her life didn't matter.

The only thing that mattered to her was him. The way he made her feel. The way his kisses would send her head spinning. The way his arms would lift her off the counter, holding her against his body. His gentle aggressiveness. Even when they hadn't talked in years, she always felt secure with him. It felt effortless, ideal, whenever they would see each other.

It would be the little things, like watching his face as he slept. Waking him up with a cup of coffee. Feeling his lips on her cheek as he came to bed in the middle of the night. His smile that he would flash at her as he made her eggs for breakfast. To her, it always felt so right, so perfect.

He had always been her best friend. More than anything else, she could always count on his advice, even when they were on separate sides of the universe.

***

She could feel the pain in his voice as it came through the phone. She'd heard it many times before, but this time she wasn't sure what to make of it.

"I still have yet to hear those words come out of your mouth!"

You need me to say them for you to know that I love you? Her fingers dug into the phone, her brain had slowed to a crawl. Where did this come from?


"I gotta go. I need sleep, and you need to think."

As those words left his mouth, they hit her solar plexus, taking all the breath from her body and leaving her feeling lightheaded.

She had started calling him by his full name, something she only did with him when she was angry or hurt. He didn't seem to notice.

"I love you."
That tone sure doesn't say that.
"I love you, too, Jay."

She hung up the phone, and sat beside her garden.

We're three hundred miles apart, he's still dealing with me being a mom,we're not even dating and he doesn't trust me. What kind of fucked up relationship is this?


In the back of her head, she could hear music playing.


"This is exactly what happened last time and it’s not what we deserve
It’s a, it’s a waste of my time lately.
And I’m running out of words.
If it’s really meant to be than you can find a way to see,
Maybe you should just shut up
Even when it gets tough
Baby ‘cause this is love.
And you know when push comes to shove
It’s gonna take the both of us
Baby, this is love"


She looked down at the now-silent phone in her hand.
"Can you handle it when things get tough, or are you just going to push me down, Jay? Because this would be so much easier if we just stuck through it."